Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
