My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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