What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
