Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize
