I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
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