then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
