my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
