Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
she pinky promised me she was 18
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
