This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
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