if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
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