I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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