glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
