Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Randomize
