I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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