just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Randomize
