Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Randomize
