My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize
