My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Randomize
