Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
