What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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