with your own penis?
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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