ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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