I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
