In America we eat man semen.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
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