Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
