i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize