everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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