shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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