my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
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