he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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