Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
