i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
