That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I could fuck to npr.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
