I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
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