I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
