I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
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