And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
