He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
