i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
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