Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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