Your dad touched me again.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
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