I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
