You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
