Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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