apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
