We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
