areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
