i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Randomize
