I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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