there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
