Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
