just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
