My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize