Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
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