I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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