When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
