Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize